Day 12: 30 Days of Self Portraits

Updated: Feb 5, 2020

Fire 🔥❤️

Image: Self Portrait, pastel pencil and patterned/textured scrapbook paper

I decided to try another piece of patterned/decorated paper today, only this time with a red blend background. I grabbed the pastel pencils again... am enjoying playing with these lately, especially for my hair.

My hair. There is enough on that subject for a book... and I do actually have one in the works that will include "red" and "hair" in the story, but enough on that for now.

Growing up with this thick mane of hair, and as a "redhead" has been a whole experience in itself. I did not really enjoy being one as a highly sensitive kid. I just wanted to run and hide from the teasing, and there was a lot of it.

"Hey kid your head is on fire!" Was meanly heckled at me more than once as a child.

Don't bring up Annie. Just don't, or the sun may not come out... tomorrow, for you.

When I was working at a large art supply warehouse after college I still remember this one woman who came to the register where I was ringing up people's purchases. I handed her her receipt and bag of art goodies, and then she said, "is your hair hard to take care of? Does it drive you nuts sometimes?" I laughed and said yes along with a few other joking things about my thick red curly hair. Then she replied loudly, in a mean tone with a harsh look on her face.... "GOOD." She grabbed her bag and walked away. I remember standing there dumbfounded thinking what the hell did I ever do to her? The next person in line immediately said something to the tone of "well someone is having a bad day..."

Then there is the whole stigma that goes along with being a redhead and "crazy," and how you are perceived to be in the bedroom. Or maybe I should say what is projected on you by those who have a certain expectation of how things should be in the bedroom. I'll leave that one for the book. Far too much to put in a blog post.

My hair gets a lot of attention. The amount of jealousy that has been thrown at me for this hair still amazes me. It comes out of nowhere sometimes, and may not even be expressed in words, just energy... I feel it seething from another person. Not only that, but there are many times that a "compliment" will not really be a compliment, and the passive-aggressive knife throwing just makes me want to get away from people again.

I think I've talked enough about my "hair" now. Chiron in Aries has had many things to teach me about my physical appearance and the energy behind having this kind of physical appearance (Aries rules the head, face, hair). Aries is the sign of war, ruled by Mars... I guess RED is the right color for this astrological placement.

Being a highly sensitive empath redhead makes me want to stay in my creative cave a lot of the time... the place where I can come back to myself and not be so influenced by everything and everyone around me. Being with my own energy, my paints, my music, my imagination... that is a place of peace for me.

But... I have learned to sit in the fire, in the chaos, in my center, when I have to. One has to do this in order to grow and evolve. Just doing this 30 day portrait challenge and writing blog posts is a pretty big step OUT for me in the world of being seen and heard.

I'm thankful for my practices of yoga, breathwork, and Tantra for helping me sit in the fire and let things burn 🔥 Large Indian drums help too!

Sounds for the day: Elements - Lindsey Stirling (Dubstep Violin Original Song)

"I'm learning to embrace my "redhead" in a whole new way at age 50 ❤️"

Jeff Brown sums up a lot right here in this piece:

"It’s one thing to find your ‘center’ while detaching from the world. It’s a whole other thing to find it at the heart of the world. And at the heart of the self in the world. For years, I left the world to find my ‘self’. This was an essential step, because I was not yet self-connected enough to find my center in the heart of society. I was too light, too soft, too traumatized. But then I came to realize that if I couldn’t hold to my center in the world, then I didn’t have much of a center. If all it took was a few days in the marketplace, on urban streets, dealing with humanity, before I had to run back to the woods to find myself, then what had I found? A very fragile, hollow center. And so the work continued, this time in the world itself. No easy feat, because of my trauma history and the still unconscious ways of society, but the truest work I have ever done. Because now I can sit in the middle of hell, and continue to feel my core. Because now I can stand amid the fires of distraction, and sustain my focus. It’s one thing to find our center while we are hiding from the world. It’s quite another to find it in the heart of the everything. Because the wholly grail is you, unstoppably solid in the heart of the madness." —Jeff Brown

#chironinaries #chironreturn #30daysofselfportraits

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